19 and wearing really big knickers

I am fat. like no kidding, I'm really fat. Ever since I was at kindergarten my weight was higher than the average kids back then. I was considered as obese at some point and made fun of because of my weight. I have been bullied by classmates, teachers, family, friends, even strangers. This is a hard topic for me because it's who I am. It's who I was, and I'ts probably still me in the future. 

I am jealous. Like most fat people, I envy those who could eat and not get fat. Those skinny girls who could just eat whatever they want and then have no traces of fat afterwards. In all honesty I can only blame myself. But sometimes I blame those around me why I'm like this. Why they didn't control me, why they just let me be sedentary, why they just let the years go by and never really cared if I'm getting bigger than what I used to be. 

I am self conscious. I hate my body. I hate everything in it. But I still love it. Is that possible? To hate and still love something? I still love my body because its still alive. It's still a part of me. But I hate how it looks. Maybe it is possible. I hate those stretch marks I have all over my body. I hate how I can't wear what I want to wear. I hate that I can't wear sleeveless when I get hot. I hate that I can't wear the swimsuits that I want to wear in the beach. I can't wear shorts without getting looks from other people. I can't find the right kind of pants that wouldn't give me a muffin top or love handles. I hate not being able to enjoy my youth because of these insecurities.

I am worthless. I can't play sports with friends or other people (or even try). Why? because I fear their remarks. I fear their criticism. I fear what they would say. I fear the uniform they will wear. I fear of how they'll tell me I'm the reason why I slowed them down or why they didn't win. Because I couldn't run like the others or I couldn't move as fast as them. So instead of playing I just sit there in the bleachers, day dreaming of how I would've been there and make things happen. I daydreamed. That's all I ever do.

I day dream.